


Pain, Loss, and Love

by yuki_onna_sicarius



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major character death for baby, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 00:05:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14123793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuki_onna_sicarius/pseuds/yuki_onna_sicarius
Summary: Tucker has to go through a lot of trials to find happiness





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to add a warning in here that there is a death of a baby in this fic, so if you're not comfortable reading that, please don't read any further. I fully understand.

Tucker wasn't sure why he expected Church to choose him over Tex, but he had, and he was disappointed. It wasn't like they had a real relationship, it consisted of stupid conversations while watching the Reds, then going back to base at the end of the day and fucking, and usually Tucker didn't even get off on it. When they were done, Church would tell him to go away and he would slink off to his room.

Tucker wasn't exactly fond of Church, he was an asshole, but he was the best option in that god forsaken canyon and he figured if he had to settle for someone, it would be the one who at least understood him a bit. Was on his level.

And then Tex came. At first nothing happened, Tucker and Church kept up their usual routine of fuck and fuck off, but Church started seeing Tucker less and less at night, until he finally told Tucker he was sick of him and started chasing Tex. It hurt, but Tucker reminded himself they didn't have a real relationship, that it was based solely on sex. It didn't make it any easier.

And then Church came crawling back with his tail tucked between his legs when Tex turned him down. That had been a fun conversation.

"You still up for a fuck tonight?" Church had asked casually. And Tucker had agreed, because he hated not getting laid regularly, and Church had chosen him. Or so he thought.

Not even a week later, he was back with Tex.

All of this made things very frustrating with Washington. That fucker, had to be all kinds of charming without even trying. Saying how much he believed in Tucker and was always there, supporting him in his own frustrating way. Tucker hated it.

How long until the freelancer decided he wanted someone else?

So Tucker kept his mouth shut. No matter how much he wanted to tell Washington he had a thing for him, he couldn't. And that led to a lot of arguments.

"Tucker, why can't you just do what I've asked you to!?" Washington screamed after a particularly difficult day or attempted training and refusal on Tucker's part. Tucker ripped off his helmet and threw it aside angrily.

"Because this is bullshit!" Tucker yelled back, shaking a balled fist in Washington's direction. "Church never made us train this hard! He never made us train at all!"

"You were in a canyon boxed off from everyone else!" Washington yelled. "Who were you going to fight!?"

"Doesn't matter!"

"Tucker-"

"No one asked you to help us!" Tucker turned and stormed out of the room before Washington could make a rebuttal. Once he was alone, he grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. It wasn't the most comfortable thing, but it was good for screaming late at night when everyone else was asleep.

It wasn't until hours later that Tucker felt calm enough to leave his room again and face Washington. He first checked the freelancer's room, but when that turned up empty, he looked around the rest of the base. This new planet they'd crash landed on was still foreign to him and he prayed to every god he could think of that Washington hadn't gone out for a late night stroll. His prayers were answered when he found Washington passed out, bent over the kitchen table, helmet discarded haphazardly on the table, face buried in his arms. Nervously, Tucker moved the gun and knives out of Washington's reach before he placed his hands on the freelancer's shoulders and shook him softly.

A soft groan left Washington's lips as he sat up, his still armored hand coming to his head. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and looked at the person who woke him. "Tucker?" he asked, his voice dazed. "What time is it?"

"Time for you to go to your fucking bedroom," Tucker replied. "You're going to break your spine sleeping like that." Washington muttered something as he stood with Tucker's help. He leaned heavily against the younger man, too tired to support himself fully.

Washington muttered something under his breath and giggled like a little schoolgirl. Tucker raised an eyebrow at him and asked "What?".

"You're so short, it's adorable," Washington repeated, louder, and holy shit, he was fucking laughing and if that wasn't the most amazing thing Tucker had ever he didn't know what was. 

"Wash, are you drunk?" he asked.

"I wish!" Washington replied, throwing his head back as he laughed again.

"Ah, okay, lack of sleep, got it," Tucker said, rolling his eyes. "Let's get you back to sleep then."

Once in his room, Washington made to collapse on the bed, but Tucker kept him upright long enough to strip the armor from his body, letting it clatter loudly to the ground. "And you yell at me for not taking care of myself," Tucker huffed, helping lay Washington on his bed. The older man was out before he even his the bed, much less the pillow. Tucker draped a blanket across Washington, his fingers lingering against the man's cheek for a moment before he drew away and left the room.

The next morning, Tucker ate his breakfast awkwardly, memories from the night before flooding his mind as Washington entered the kitchen. He looked better than he had in a long time, having finally gotten a proper night's sleep instead of waking up every five minutes in a paranoid frenzy. Without realizing what he was doing, he had walked over to the freelancer and brushed a bit of his blonde hair from his face. Washington raised an eyebrow at the strange gesture, but didn't pull away.

For a moment they simply stared at each other, a fire in their gazes that had gone unnoticed by the both of them for months. Tucker looked away first, his eyes lowering before he felt his chin being pushed up, lips crashing against his own. He opened his mouth to gasp in shock, which Washington took as an invitation and slipped his tongue in. Tucker wrapped his arms around Washington's neck, pulling him closer, the backs of his legs hitting the table as he was pushed against it. Washington was between his legs, squeezing his thighs, his kisses moving down from Tucker's lips to his neck, where he began sucking at the flesh.

"W-wash," Tucker moaned out, "bedroom." Washington grunted, but wrapped Tucker's legs around his waist and hoisted him easily into his grasp, carrying him to his room.

\-----

"Wrestling?" Grif asked when he heard Caboose explain what had been happening for the past month in the blue base. "Wash and Tucker spend every night wrestling?"

"Ooh, sounds like fun!" Donut exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "I want to wrestle!"

"Is that what you kids are calling it now?" Sarge asked. Poor Simmons was trying to bleach his mind of the images that appeared in his head at the thought of Washington and Tucker "wrestling".

"Where are they now?" he chose to ask.

"They're sleeping," Caboose replied. "They told me not to bother them."

"What are you fuckers talking about?" Tucker asked as he walked over to their group, holding his head. He needed water, he was dehydrated and dizzy.

"Caboose was telling us about how you and Washington wrestle every night!" Donut exclaimed. "Why don't you ever invite us?"

"You what!?" Tucker yelled at Caboose, who shrunk away from him. Washington hesitated as he approached them, tilting his head, though he wasn't sure he wanted to know. It didn't help that Grif whistled at him.

"So, you and Tucker like to wrestle at night," the orange soldier commented. Tucker expected some kind of over reaction from the freelancer, the man was a bit overly dramatic at times, but all he did was let out a long sigh.

"Caboose, why don't you take Donut to meet Freckles?" Washington suggested. Both men cheered excitedly before they rushed out of the base, leaving the others behind. Once they were gone, Washington pulled Tucker into his side, the younger man going along with the motion, too drained to try and hide it any longer. What did he care if the Reds found out he and Washington were together?

"So, how long have you two been fucking?" Grif asked brashly.

"Two months now, I think," Tucker replied.

More questions were going to be asked, but shouting and gun shots sounded outside, followed by Caboose and Donut screaming. They all rushed outside to see what was happening.

\-----

There was no way Washington had survived, Tucker was sure of it. No one could get shot twice and live to tell the tale, not where he'd been shot. Vanessa Kimball wanted to talk to him, but all Tucker wanted was to be left alone to mourn. He laid on his side in the med bay, his hand resting against his belly, tears falling down his cheeks. How could he have known he had a fully functioning uterus and a child growing inside it?

He hadn't thought about having any more children after Junior, it had never been a discussion he and Washington had had, though he could predict the outcome: maybe someday, but not now.

He clutched the sheets tightly as he sobbed, wishing desperately that things were different. When next Kimball asked to see him, he agreed, of only to get her to fuck off. Her footsteps were heavy as they approached his bed, not getting too close.

"I hope I am not intruding," she said. "I understand you're in a...very delicate state of mind. I won't get too close unless you say I can." Her last words were a promise.

"What do you want?" Tucker asked, wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his medical gown. A shiver ran down his spine, so he drew the blanket up higher.

"I wanted to let you know that we've located your friends," Kimball told him. "Agent Washington is with them, alive. But it won't be easy to get to them."

Tucker turned to her, pushing himself up on his elbows. "Wash is alive?" he asked, desperation in his voice. Kimball nodded at him and his eyes wandered, trying to make sense of the news, wrap his head around it.

"I need a minute," he said, trying to take in as much air in his lungs as he could, to calm his beating heart. He shouldn't get his hopes up, just because Washington was alive didn't mean they would be reunited. And yet he couldn't help the swelling in his chest at the thought of being with him again, being held by his lover, feeling safe with him again.

He placed his hand back on his belly, trying to bite back a smile. "Did you hear that?" he asked, looking down to face his belly. "Daddy's alive. If we can get him and bring him here, we can be a family." For the first time since arriving at the New Republic's base, he allowed himself to smile.

If only he knew how difficult it would be to get to Wash.

"No," Kimball said when he asked to personally be a part of the rescue mission. "You are prepared to fight and you're pregnant. You're in no shape to go."

"And who is?" Tucker snapped.

"No one," Kimball admitted. "None of us are prepared to go on this rescue mission."

"So you're just going to send no one!?" Tucker cried out.

"Why is it so important?" Kimball asked, trying to hold back her own anger. "I understand that they're your friends-"

"The father of my child is with them!" Tucker yelled, stepping toward her, grabbing her arms. She didn't make any effort to pull away, gently taking his arms in her own hands as well instead. "If no one else, I want to bring  _him_  home!"

"So he's the only one that matters to you?"

"They all matter to me, but he means the most." He didn't want to cry, he'd done enough of that already, but his hormones were making him more emotional than usual. He shook with the effort to hold back his tears; Kimball hesitantly wrapped her arms around him in an effort to comfort him, but that only made him cry harder, and he wanted to wipe away his tears but couldn't because of his helmet.

"I wish there was something I could do for you," she said, "but you can't go. I'll see if I can find some good soldiers to go in your place."

He never was very good at listening to orders. He snuck out with Caboose, Grif, and Simmons, and they went off on their rescue mission.

\-----

No one said anything when Washington and Tucker were  _finally_  reunited. They ripped off their helmets and kissed each other, their lips salty from the tears pouring down their faces. It was awkward trying to hold each other with their bulky armor on. It didn't stop them from holding one another, pulling each other as close as possible.

 _Wash will be alright with a baby, right?_  Tucker asked himself. _If he knows one's coming, he'll be alright._

Shots were fired around them, Washington pulled Tucker behind him protectively and pulled his helmet back on. Tucker did the same, hand immediately flying to his lower abdomen. His eyes widened in horror as he watched someone disintegrate right before his eyes.

"I gave you a chance to leave," a voice said, soon materializing in the form of Locus, the bastard that had shot Washington twice. "I gave you a chance to leave and protect your family, but you didn't take it."

"My family?" Washington muttered, confused, under his breath.

 _How does everyone know about the baby?_  Tucker asked himself.

The rest was a blur. Tucker remembered Carolina jumping into action, fighting off the mercenary, Felix joining the fray, remembered being dragged away by someone. And then they were back in the canyon.

He felt sick. He stumbled as he ripped his helmet from his head, bending over to vomit, trying to stay out of everyone's line of sight. He hated those teleportation balls, or whatever the fuck they were, they made him sick even before he got pregnant, and after...well...

A soft hand on his shoulder brought him from his mind, turning to see the familiar silver and yellow he'd come to mark as safety. In that moment, though, he wanted nothing more than to scream at Washington and hit him, even if he didn't know why. No, he knew exactly why. Wash hadn't been with him to assure him that everything would be alright, had left Tucker worried about everything. 

"Are you alright?" Washington asked, pulling Tucker into his arms again.

"No," Tucker replied softly. "I just want to sleep."

"Soon."

\-----

Tucker slammed his hands on the table in the cafeteria, scaring the Reds who were sitting there. He wasn't in his armor, instead wearing sweats and a sweatshirt, having complained to Kimball that his armor was getting too tight.

"Have you told him yet?" Grif asked, going back to playing with his food. As hungry as he was (he was always hungry, what's new?), he couldn't bring himself to stomach another vegan meal. He wanted sugar, cake sounded good.

"No, and if anyone here tells Wash before I do, I'll tie them down, rip out their tongue, and shove it down their throats, letting you die a slow and painful death from choking. I'm not sure which would be better, choking on your tongue or your own blood. That goes for everyone in this fucking base!" He yelled the last part at everyone else in the cafeteria, and everyone else was quick to agree. Tucker was scary when he was angry. "Good."

\-----

Tucker didn't want to fight, but what could he do? He was going to be attacked regardless, the mercenaries wouldn't spare anyone, so he might as well fight on his own terms.

He wasn't sure how he got cornered by Felix, the last fucker Tucker wanted to deal with, but there he was, sword drawn, doing his best to get the man monologuing.

"Oh, ho, you are smart," Felix laughed, pointing a finger at Tucker. "You know, you're smarter than I gave you credit for. Your friends on the other hand, not so much. Say, I haven't seen them for a while, I wonder where they are." He snapped around to find the Reds about to jump him and threw a grenade at them, their screams of pain and terror filling the air.

"NO!" Tucker yelled and rushed toward them, stopping only when he felt pressure in his abdomen. It took him a moment to realize what it was.

His hand flew to his wound, cradling his growing baby bump, warm liquid oozing down his fingers. He froze, his body tensed, and his mind raced with thoughts of  _my baby, my baby_. "You shouldn't have come to fight when you had so much to lose," Felix cackled, ripping his knife out of Tucker's gut, flipping it into his hand as the aqua soldier collapsed. He groaned and choked on air, trying to fill his lungs. The Reds were by his side, screaming into their comm devices, trying to get the attention of a medic, while Donut tried to stem the bleeding.

"There are medics coming," Donut assured him, his voice soft, letting Tucker clutch his wrist with his free hand.

"The baby," Tucker moaned, one hand still on his wound. Simmons sat down on his other side and placed a hand on his shoulder, doing his best to be comforting, but he'd never been good at that sort of thing.

Tucker couldn't breathe, couldn't tell if his shaking was from anxiety or blood loss, he shook his head and kept repeating  _no, no, no_  like a mantra. His vision went black, but he could still hear everyone around him, even if he couldn't speak back to them. His only form of communication was his ability to squeeze his hand softly.

"Tucker, can you hear me?" It was Washington. There was a shifting of hands wrapped around his, from Donut to his boyfriend, who pulled his hand to his chest protectively. "Tucker, please, let me know you're alright."

Light, barely noticeable, Tucker gripped Washington's hand, the older man letting out a soft sigh of relief. He could feel himself being lifted onto some kind of cot and carried away, Washington's hand never leaving his own, then the bumpy car ride back to base. It was a strange sensation, being fully awake and aware, yet not being able to see anything. He wondered if his suit had malfunctioned.

Something was touching the back of his hand, and Tucker couldn't help but wonder if Washington was leaning it against his forehead, as he often did when he was stressed. If he didn't have his helmet on, would he press a kiss to it or not? It was probably covered in blood along with his other hand, still resting against his belly.

"Church, if I put you in Tucker's suit, can you save him?" Carolina asked.

"I might be able to stabilize him long enough to get to the med bay, but I can't heal him," Church replied, no doubt appearing for everyone to see.

"That's all I need."

More shifting around, and then Church appeared in Tucker's vision. "Wow, you're worse than I thought," he commented when he appeared. "Why am I detecting another life form?"

"The baby," Tucker thought. "Is the baby alright?"

"I...no, Tucker, it's not. I'm not picking up a heartbeat."

"Please...don't tell Wash."

"You haven't told Wash you're pregnant?"

"Don't tell him. It has to be me."

"Tucker-"

"Church!"

There was silence, before Church let out a sigh. "Alright, I won't tell him, but I doubt you're going to get the chance."

"It's fine," Tucker replied, "everything's fine. I'm fine, the baby's fine, Wash is fine, we're all fine. We're going to be a family soon."

"Tucker-"

"It's fine."

Church was able to save Tucker's life, but his deteriorating psyche was something he was, unfortunately, unqualified to save. He tried his best to tell Tucker the truth, to save him from his denial, but he couldn't. "I guess they can't all be saved," he muttered to himself, putting all of his energy into keeping Tucker's body functioning.

\-----

Dr. Grey walked out into the waiting room to find not only Washington, but the other Reds and Blues as well. They all looked up, but only Washington stood to greet her. Her usually perky demeanor was gone, her shoulders hunched and tense, as she spoke. "Washington, I think we should talk in private." He didn't have the energy to fight her, instead just followed her into an empty room. "Wash, I'm so sorry for your loss," she said, her voice soft and gentle. It didn't help, it didn't stop the sensation of being punched in the gut that Washington felt

"Tucker-"

"Oh, no, Tucker's recovering just fine!" Dr. Grey rushed out, frantically waving her arms in front of herself.

"Then who died?"

"The baby."

Washington shook his head. "What baby?" he asked.

"Tucker's...he never told you?"

Washington couldn't breathe. It didn't make any sense, and yet, everything suddenly clicked and he couldn't believe how blind he'd been. The extra rations, the way everyone seemed so protective, Kimball keeping Tucker from training, even Locus' fucking comment about his family. He sank into a chair and put his head in his hand, the remaining free one fiddling with the ring on his middle finger. A nervous habit he'd picked up years ago that never died away.

"He's resting now," Dr. Grey announced, placing a soft hand on Washington's shoulder, "but I think it's best you're there when he wakes."

"Right," Washington muttered and followed her to Tucker's recovery room. The lights were dim inside, the only light coming from a lamp in the corner. Tucker looked peaceful, fast asleep as he was. Washington occupied the lone chair in the room, reaching out and entwining his fingers with his lover's, taking long, calming breaths as he watched the rise and fall of his chest.

 _He's alive_  he thought to himself.  _He's alive, he's going to be alright._  It didn't stop the pain in his chest, the hollowness of guilt that consumed his heart. He ran his thumb over the back of Tucker's hand, wondering if the other man could feel it while in his coma or if the motion was for himself.

Something flickered at the foot of the bed, Church coming into view; Washington didn't want to talk to him, but didn't have the heart to tell him to go away, so he just sat in silence, hoping the AI would take the hint.

"I'm sorry about the baby."

Apparently not.

"I didn't even know there  _was_  a baby," Washington replied, his voice devoid of any and all emotion. He was tired, just wanted to sleep, or have some time alone to process the information he'd been told, but he wanted to be awake when Tucker woke.

"I know," Church replied. "Tucker told me not to tell you. He wanted to be the one." Washington didn't say anything for a long time.

"How long did you know?" he finally asked.

"I only found out when Carolina stuck me in his suit and noticed another life form. Apparently everyone else has known basically since they came here."

Another punch to the gut. Why had Tucker felt the need to keep such important information from him? Why hadn't Tucker trusted him to know about a child they were going to have?

"Look, I think this is partially my fault," Church said, moving closer to Washington. "Maybe it's all my fault. Tucker and I had this fucked up relationship back in Blood Gulch and I don't think he ever really got over it. I...I kept choosing Tex over him, only coming back to him when she turned me down. I think that he probably didn't tell you because he was afraid you'd leave him or something."

Washington's grip on Tucker's hand tightened. "So that was you," he commented. "He told me about someone like that. I should have put two and two together. It seems I'm not as observant as I want to be."

"You've always been the most emotional Freelancer," Church said, flickering into life in front of Washington. "You've never shied away from showing your emotions and trying to find the best in people, especially those you care about. It's possible you didn't want to see anything wrong with me, having come to see me as a friend. But I've been a terrible person to everyone around me, and I've fucked up so many people it's amazing you guys even keep me around." Washington didn't have anything to say to that, so he didn't make any kind of reply.

"You can always have another kid."

"That doesn't help," Washington hissed, his eyes welling with tears. "That doesn't make it hurt any less."

"I know," Church sighed. "I suck at this comforting thing. Just...I just wanted you to know that you've been good for Tucker, you've helped him change and grow in the best way he can. Keep doing that, be there when he wakes up, all that good shit. You're better with feelings and comfort than I am." And then he was gone.

"But who do I lean on?" Washington asked softly. He could use some emotional support then, as his mind kept telling him that Tucker wouldn't wake up, no matter how many times Dr. Grey assured him Tucker would be fine. How many times had he heard that line, only for his friends to die? Too many.

He pressed a kiss to the back of Tucker's hand as tears fell down his face. "Please, if there are any gods, please don't take Tucker from me," he begged. "You already took one person from me, don't take both."

When Carolina entered the room a few hours later to check on Washington, he was bent over the bed, holding Tucker's hand tightly, and she couldn't help but think of York after she'd had her AIs removed. She walked over to him, softly muttering to Church not to interfere, and shook him awake. He wouldn't look at her, looked anywhere but at the living people in the room.

"How is he?" she asked.

"So far, he's doing well," Washington replied.

"But you have doubts?"

"When was the last time a doctor told you someone would be alright and they were actually alright?" Carolina couldn't come up with an answer to Washington's question, so she decided to stay silent. He growled out in frustration and cradled his head in his hands, finally letting go of Tucker's. "I should have fucking left when I had the chance," he swore.

"You stayed because these people needed you," Carolina pointed out. "You did what you thought was right, I don't think Tucker blames you for that. Sure, he might wish you were with him the entire time, and he'll flip out when he wakes up, but i think he'll come around and agree with your decision."

"If I had left, we wouldn't be here," Washington pointed out. "I'd be bickering with Tucker about baby names, not having to deal with being told I was supposed to be a father and immediately having to grieve."

Carolina placed a hand on his shoulder and he deflated. "There's no guarantee Locus and Felix would have actually let you leave," she pointed out. "Staying here was the safest option. You and Tucker are both still alive, you still have each other, so you won't be grieving alone. Now more than ever, you need each other. Don't think so negatively, think positive. If you think Tucker's going to die, he most likely will, but if you think he'll push through it and wake up, then he definitely will."

"But-"

"No buts. Positive thoughts." She patted his shoulder and walked out, leaving him alone with Tucker again. He looked at the man and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

 _Positive thoughts._  He reached up and stroked Tucker's cheek. He'd never known the man to be a quitter, so maybe he was worrying over nothing. Tucker would pull through, just like he always did. Feeling a little better, Washington curled up on the couch that was way too small for him and forced himself to sleep.

When Tucker woke, his hand flew to his belly, praying the events of the day before were a horrible nightmare and that he would find he still had his small baby bump and the light, early morning fluttering of little baby kicks waking him. He found neither of those things. In a panic, he sat up, a cry of desperation and anguish leaving him, waking the other inhabitant of the room.

Washington was by his side in seconds, trying to push him back in the bed, muttering sweet nothings and false assurances in his ear. Tucker shook his head and screamed in anger, though his words were incoherent and his punches were weak, easily held back by his lover. Tears of pain, anger, fear, and too many other emotions he couldn't name fell freely as he became more and more aware of his surroundings, of what was happening and had happened. Washington pinned his arms to his sides and leaned their foreheads together, and that's when Tucker realized he was crying, too.

"It'll be okay," Washington promised around a sob, his voice cracking. "It'll be okay."

"How?" Tucker asked, the word barely passing the tightness in his throat.

"I don't know," Washington admitted, "but it will."

He cupped Tucker's face and pressed a single kiss to his lips before he pulled Tucker close, letting him sob into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Tucker apologized, gripping Washington's arms tightly. "I'm so sorry, Wash."

"Why?" Washington asked, trying to keep the pain from his voice. He ran his hand up and down Tucker's spine, the other hand stroking his hair.

"I should have told you," Tucker cried, "I should have told you about the baby, and I should have stayed on base like Kimball told me, and i should have been more careful, and-"

"What's done is done," Washington said. "All we can do is move forward."

"But I don't want to move forward."

Washington pulled back just enough to wipe some tears from Tucker's face and make the man look at him. "We can't go back and change what happened," he said, "we can only keep ourselves from repeating the past."

"I should have told you, but I was scared."

"Scared of what?"

"You said you didn't want children, not now."

Washington took Tucker's hands in his own, his grip firm, but not angry. "Tucker, things are different when there's a baby coming," he said with conviction. "It's a different story. Promise me that if you get pregnant again, you won't keep it from me." Tucker nodded his head furiously, unable to form words again. "Would it help to...I don't know, bury the baby? Have a funeral?"

Tucker took several deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down. He took a few minutes to think it over before he nodded. "We should give the baby a name."

"Something gender-neutral," Washington suggested.

"What, like Jamie?" Tucker asked.

"Or Blake," Washington said.

"I like Blake," Tucker said, a small smile slipping onto his lips, but it didn't last long.

"I'll go talk to Dr. Grey." Washington moved to stand, but Tucker held him firmly in place.

"Don't leave me," he begged. "I don't want to be alone. I can use the help button, just don't leave."

"Alright," Washington agreed and sat back down, letting Tucker use his help button to get Dr. Grey's attention.

\-----

Washington and Tucker never saw Blake, never touched the coffin they were buried in, just watched as dirt was thrown into the grave that had been dug. Neither one cried, having shed all the tears they had. Tucker was wrapped up in Washington's embrace as they watched their child's grave be filled, eyes scanning the headstone, reading the words, but not fully comprehending.

_Blake_

_We never got to know you, but we loved you all the same_

"What if I can't have children anymore?" Tucker asked that night, tucked into Washington's side, staring blankly at the ceiling. "What if Felix stabbing me cause my uterus to stop working? It's not like I was born with it."

"I don't know," Washington replied, fingers lightly stroking the bare flesh of Tucker's arm. The weather was too hot to sleep with long sleeves, too hot to even sleep beneath the sheets. "We can adopt."

"That takes so long, though."

"On Earth, sure, but there's so many orphans here on Chorus that I'm sure Kimball would ask if we want them all."

Tucker let out a single dry chuckle before his neutral expression returned. "Are there any names you like?"

Washington shook his head. "I don't know, I've never been good with choosing names. Why?"

"I like Cynthia for a girl," Tucker said. "I don't know why, I just do."

"It's a nice name."

Tucker rested his hand against his belly again, seeking out the sensation of butterfly kicks that wouldn't come. "It feels so wrong," he commented, "I should have a baby in here."

"I know," Washington said, his voice flat. He turned to Tucker and kissed him. "We'll get through this, I promise." Tucker nodded and spoke a soft 'I know' before he curled up against Washington's side and fell asleep.

\-----

It was a strange sensation, Tucker coming to accept Blake's death. He was standing in front of the child's grave when he realized he'd reached that point. It wasn't that he didn't feel anything, he didn't think he'd ever look at the grave and not feel a tightness in his chest, but he understood that no amount of asking "what if" would bring Blake back.

"I'm sorry," he said, "that I couldn't protect you." He bent down and placed his hand over the name Blake. "Perhaps we'll meet in the afterlife. Or in another life."

He stood then and walked away, nothing left to be said. He wasn't sure when, or if, Washington had moved on to the final stage of grief, it wasn't like there were many people helping him through it the way they were helping Tucker himself. But the older man had started eating somewhat normally again a few days ago and Tucker took that as a good sign.

He found him in the cafeteria with the other soldiers and took his seat next to him, entwining their fingers together. "If you're ready to start seeing Dr. Grey for therapy, then I am, too."


	2. Chapter 2

Tucker was a man on a mission. He was looking for Washington, moving at an awkward fast-paced walk, like he was on fire, but didn't want to burden anyone with the information. He went first to the cafeteria, it was lunch time after all.

"Where's Wash?" he asked when he found the Reds.

"Hmm, I don't know," Simmons replied, "but knowing him, he's on the training deck with the Chorus soldiers."

Tucker didn't wait to hear what else they had to say, turning on his heel and rushing away. He could hear Grif calling out to him, probably calling him an asshole, but he couldn't find it in him to care. All he knew was he needed to find Wash.

The man was on the training deck, but he was alone. He flung a knife at a target, another hitting the red circle in the middle pacing around before absentmindedly throwing another knife. It was still on target. He was too good at that to be safe. Then again, he was a freelancer once.

Tucker stepped into the training area, making himself physically known, letting Wash choose if he wanted to see him or not. He was clearly frustrated, and Tucker understood why, he hadn't been sleeping well since Dr. Grey had gotten deep into his inner turmoil in therapy. Wash was not a happy person when he was sleep deprived, snapping at anyone and everyone that wasn't sleeping with him. Hell, he'd snapped at _Kimball_ , that hadn't ended well.

"Wash," Tucker finally called when it was clear the older man wasn't going to acknowledge him. He was probably getting to the point that Tucker wasn't safe from his wrath either. Washington's head snapped up and he sighed as he flipped the knife into his hand so he could holster it against his leg.

Tucker hated knives.

"How long have you been here?" Wash asked, trying to keep the irritated edge from his voice. He walked over to Tucker, taking his helmet off. The younger man mirrored the action, removing his own helmet.

"Not long," he replied. "I need to talk to you. And before you ask, yes, it's important."

Wash tilted his head. "Okay, what is it?"

Tucker couldn't hold back the smile that forced its way onto his lips. "I didn't want to say anything until my suspicions were confirmed," he explained, "but..."

"Tucker, please, the dramatics are unnecessary," Wash chuckled, wrapping his fingers around his boyfriend's hand. "Just tell me."

The younger man's smile widened. "I'm pregnant," he announced. For a moment, it seemed like Wash didn't care, his face unchanging, but then it clicked and he was smiling as well. "I talked to Dr. Grey, she said I'm close to four months." The words were barely out of his mouth before Wash was pressing kisses to his lips, his cheeks, anywhere he could reach, soft laughs leaving both men's lips. "Um, so there's something else we need to talk about," Tucker said when they'd come down from their high.

"Good talk, or bad talk?" Wash asked, a hint of anxiety seeping into his voice.

"Um, depends," Tucker replied, trying to keep his voice light. "It's about the ultrasound."

"Is something wrong?"

"No." Tucker noticed Wash seemingly relaxing, but only a little. "Dr. Grey picked up two heartbeats."

Wash let out a sound between a laugh and a shaky sigh. "Two heartbeats?" he asked. "Like-"

"We're having twins." Tucker was a bit worried about how Wash would react. The older man let out a slightly hysterical laugh at the news, trying to wrap his mind around the concept of two babies.

"Twins," he said, taking a deep breath.

"We can handle twins, right?" Tucker asked, suddenly very unsure. He was excited, sure, but saying the word 'twins' out loud took away some of the happiness and brought a certain fear and doubt. Saying it out loud made it very real.

"Of course we can," Wash assured him in that soft voice that always made Tucker feel better. He could feel the doubt seeping from his shoulder, away from his body. They clutched each other tightly, reveling in their happiness.

\-----

Tucker hated being pregnant. He thought his morning sickness would go away after a while, but it didn't, it only got worse the further along he went. The only good part was late at night, when they were alone, Wash would talk to the babies, telling sweet stories from his childhood, or about him and Tucker. Each night, the twins would start kicking when they heard their father's words and each night, Tucker would lead Wash's hands to where the kicks were.

Nighttime cuddles were pretty great, too. It wasn't like Wash and Tucker never cuddled at night, but something about cuddling while pregnant was so much more...satisfying. Perhaps it was because they'd waited so long to recover and try again, waited until they were truly ready, and everything just felt so _right_. Wash could feel the babies' soft kicks early in the morning, when he and Tucker began to stir for the day. Every morning he would kiss Tucker's swelling belly and say good morning to the twins. It never failed to bring a smile to Tucker's lips.

The only other good part was that Tucker got to eat whatever he wanted, when he wanted. The Chorus natives were grateful to him for activating the Temple of Bountiful Harvest which gave them plenty of food to live comfortably that when it was revealed he was pregnant again, he had full access to the kitchens. Grif always complained about that, because why oh why would a pregnant person get more food than someone who wasn't?

It wasn't like Tucker pigged out on cake and other pastries. All he ever wanted was watermelon, it was refreshing and delicious. He especially loved when Wash would come with him and feed him whenever he complained to him enough, wiping up juice from his chin whenever Wash was being especially difficult. Sometimes they would share kisses in the kitchen, never anything steamy that would lead to ludicrous fanfictions that were apparently a thing among the younger soldiers, but quick pecks to the lips between jokes and chuckles and giggles.

But in order to get those moments of sweetness, Tucker had to endure the pain in his swollen feet, the heartburn that came after each meal, the continuous morning sickness, and a myriad of other complications he couldn't wait to end.

He also hated the attention. He was sitting down, eating breakfast, when Jensen and Palomo came up to him, whispering giddily.

"Can I feel the babiesh?" Jensen asked as she approached Tucker, who forced himself not to sigh and scream at her. He hated that question more than anything and was glad the Reds and Blues didn't ask it.

"They aren't kicking right now," he lied, hoping she would go away. She nodded, obviously disappointed, and slunk off with Palomo following behind her. He forced down the last morsels of breakfast, eggs, toast, and watermelon, before he stood to join Wash on the training deck, watching the soldiers that still bothered. It was in the backs of everyone's mind that there would be another attack, they were all a bit paranoid about it.

"Knees to chest everyone!" Washington yelled when Tucker arrived. This group of soldiers were extremely fit and didn't argue at the command, just ran faster and harder, taking shots at targets as they passed them.

When Washington spotted Tucker, he kicked out a chair for him, just like every other day he came to watch training. "They're getting better," the younger man commented as he took the offered seat. Wash only grunted. "I'll have to start training once the twins are born."

"We both know you won't leave the twins for months, if that," Wash retorted.

"Fine, so I'm a bit clingy, you can't blame me," Tucker defended. "I have one kid who I rarely ever see and it hurts every time I watch him leave, I'm not ready for that to happen to the twins."

"They're not going anywhere anytime soon," Wash assured. "You haven't even given birth yet. You have plenty of time to dote on them once they're born."

"I know. It doesn't stop the thoughts, though. I keep thinking they're going to be gone before I'm ready, when they're still little, barely more than babies." Tucker's eyes were distant as he thought about it, thought about how he was ripped apart from Junior when he was still young. Things had worked out, sure, but he almost never got to see him anymore. He wasn't even sure Junior knew he was about to have little siblings.

Washington put a hand on his lover's shoulder and crouched down next to him, taking his helmet off. "It'll be okay," he promised. "The twins are going to need you for quite a while. Junior's half Sangheili, the twins are full human. Humans grow at a much slower rate and need their parents for a longer time."

That shouldn't have been as comforting as it was. He leaned down and rested his forehead against Wash's, breathing out a soft "okay", his hand resting against his growing baby bump. The twins couldn't come fast enough, he couldn't wait to hold them in his arms.

\-----

Tucker groaned and sat up in bed, waking Washington beside him, pain lacing his voice. Washington rubbed his back, the way Tucker liked, and pressed a kiss to his neck. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Just pressure," Tucker explained, taking a few deep breaths. "It's fine now, it's gone."

"Are you sure?" Wash asked. "Maybe we should get Dr. Grey, she said you're due soon and to tell her if anything changed. When was the last time you felt the twins kicking?"

"I don't know," Tucker replied. "I've been too tired to really keep track." He rested his hand against his bump, leaning back into Washington's arms. "Like I am right now."

"I still think we should get Dr. Grey," Washington said.

"Don't bother her right now. If it persists, we can get her, but for now, I just want to sleep."

"I...fine." Washington leaned back on the bed and let Tucker lay back in the crook of his arm. The younger man was fast asleep as soon as he was comfortable, an uneasy feat for him.

Hours passed with more pain, each time worse than the last. He powered through, going about his usual day, and fought Washington's protests of going to Dr. Grey until he could no longer bear the pain, bending over and screaming out. He allowed Washington then to help him walk to the doctor's office, taking small steps as they went.

"Oh my," Dr. Grey said when she saw Tucker, "you should have come much sooner! Come in, come on!" She waved him inside and helped him onto a hospital bed. "Now, Washington, I know you want to be here, but because of how we have to perform this procedure, you'll have to wait until after the twins are born to see them! I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside!"

It wasn't like they didn't see this coming, Dr. Grey had told them months ago that they wouldn't be together during the surgery, but it didn't make it any easier to hear now. "Please, Dr. Grey," Tucker begged.

"I'm sorry, Tucker," Dr. Grey replied. "Washington, please, the waiting area is available for you to use, or you can go back to your usual routine. I will let you know when the twins are born and Tucker is recovering!"

Washington looked ready to fight, but when he saw the pained look on Tucker's face and force back another scream of pain, he knew he had no other choice. Before he left, he pressed a kiss to Tucker's lips, promising to be back soon.

Wash waited outside in the waiting area, pacing the room. He could hear Tucker scream in pain and wished he could be with him. From what Dr. Grey had told them, and she hadn't told them much, Tucker would be half-awake for the procedure and numbed, but there was a possibility he would still feel some pain. Clearly she hadn't given him enough medication until it was too late. The screams subsided, so Wash assumed he had finally been given more pain meds, but it didn't stop him from hearing the screams embedded in his mind.

And then there were more screams, new screams, screams that weren't Tucker's. Carolina had stepped into the room at that moment, watching Wash as he sunk down onto a chair. She smiled a little, though he couldn't see it behind her helmet, and walked up to him to offer her congratulations.

"There's still one more to go," he said, "and Tucker's in a lot of pain."

"It'll be alright," Carolina promised, "he's with Dr. Grey, she'll take care of him."

Washington lost track of time, so he didn't know how long it was until he heard his second child start crying, and he was an absolute mess when he finally did. He wiped the tears off his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, standing when Dr. Grey came out to get him.

Tucker was in a different area recovering from the surgery, but the twins were well enough for their father to see. Carolina stripped off her upper armor and helmet, taking one of the babies after Dr. Grey had passed one to Washington.

"This one's a boy," Dr. Grey announced, pointing to the one in Washington's arms, "and that one's a girl. Have you and Tucker talked about names?"

"We never settled on any we like," Washington replied. He let the little baby boy grip his finger, his other little hand rubbing his face. The baby girl made a noise and started crying, her arms flailing about. Dr. Grey handed Carolina a bottle to offer the baby, wondering if she was hungry.

"Wash, Tucker's awake now, if you want to see him," Dr. Grey informed him.

"Can I take this one with me?" Wash asked, tilting his head toward the baby.

"Of course! Tucker's well enough to see his children now!" Dr. Grey almost bounced where she stood, waving him toward the recovery ward. Carolina offered to stay with the baby girl until she was welcome into the recovery room.

Tucker was nodding in and out of consciousness when Washington entered the room, but he sat up when he saw the little bundle in his arms. He was hunched over, running his fingers over the baby's soft skin as soon as Wash was sitting on the bed, smiling down at the baby.

"This one's a boy, the other's a girl," Wash said, smiling widely at Tucker, who laughed happily. "And they're both beautiful. Just like you."

Tucker wanted to whine about how cheesy Wash was being, but he couldn't protest, enjoyed it even. "We need names," he choked out between happy sobs.

"What about Amalee for a girl?" Wash suggested. "Kinda like Emily, but not quite." Tucker laughed.

"I actually like that," Tucker said. "We still need something for this little guy."

"I chose Ami's name, you pick this one."

Tucker thought about it for a while. He wasn't good with names, it's why he called Junior, well, Junior. "I don't know, I'm not good at this," he said. "You're the one that came up with Blake, too. You should choose."

"I don't know, Devon?"

"Devon?" Tucker asked, raising an eyebrow. "Where did Devon come from?"

Washington cleared his throat, not meeting Tucker's eyes. "It was York's real name," he explained softly. Tucker's face softened and he nodded.

"Alright, Devon sounds good."

They shared a smile and Tucker played with Devon's hands. "Do you want to see Ami?" Wash asked.

"Yes," Tucker replied and took Devon in his arms as Wash went to get Amalee from Carolina, who almost cried when he told her he named his son Devon. When he walked back into the recovery room, Tucker was cooing at Devon and using a baby voice Wash didn't know he had to talk to him.

"Here she is," Wash said as he walked back to the bed. Tucker cooed when he saw her, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

"Devon and Amalee," Tucker sighed, "here at last."

\-----

"Come on, you can make it to Auntie Carolina!" Washington encouraged Amalee forward, letting go of her little hands. She looked up at her father, betrayed, and walked to Carolina, who greeted her with open arms. Tucker was sitting on the couch with Devon, watching her progress. Devon had decided he'd had a long day and was fast asleep in Tucker's arms.

"Can you go to Mommy?" Carolina asked Ami, pointing at Tucker.

"I told you not to call me that," Tucker groaned.

"Why not, you gave birth to them," she pointed out, "and Daddy's taken by Washington."

"Fine," Tucker sighed, "I'm Mommy."

There was a commotion outside, and a voice they'd never heard was speaking, Sarge arguing with her. "What the...who the hell knows we're here?" Carolina asked.

"The Chorus soldiers," Washington replied, his body rigid. "Who would Kimball tell?"

He and Carolina exchanged an uneasy glance. "Put your armor on," Carolina instructed.

"Tucker, stay here with the twins," Washington added, already heading to room to change. Tucker pulled Ami closer to himself, clutching her tightly as she tried to follow her father outside.

"No, Ami," he said, "we don't know who's outside."

"Dada!" she cried, reaching out for Washington, who was already outside and closing the door. Tucker walked over to the window with the twins, peeking outside.

"I swear, I'm just a reporter!" the woman cried out, throwing her hands in the air. "I just want to know why you're attacking all these worlds, but I know now that you aren't."

"Caboose, go check on Tucker and the twins," Carolina demanded. The blue soldier didn't protest, though he probably wanted to, running toward the smallest of the three houses Kimball and her soldiers had made for them. The door flung open, slamming against the wall, scaring the twins into tears. Tucker could distantly hear Washington groaning loudly as he made his way back to the house he'd left moment ago.

"Who is that?" Tucker asked, pointing to the woman outside.

"Some journalist," Washington replied, removing his armor and scooping Devon into his arms.

"Is she going to hurt us?" Tucker asked.

"I don't think so. She doesn't appear to have any weapons."

"Tell her to fuck off." Wash raised an eyebrow at him. "I finally have a home, a proper home that I enjoy, we don't need reporters bringing their problems and some bad guys here. I have children to raise!"

Washington sighed. "We're trying to get her to leave, but she won't."

"Fuck it," Tucker hissed and rushed out of the house. He walked up to the reporter and planted himself firmly in front of her. "Look here, lady!" he yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at her. "This is our home, we live here, and we're doing fine on our own. You don't have permission to be here, so fuck off before I lose my shit!"

"Private Tucker-"

"No! I have two children to take care of, I don't need you dragging your shit here! When I say leave, you leave!"

The woman tilted her head at him. "There are children here?"

"GO!"

\-----

The twins were scared. Not amount of "No, the strange lady isn't going to takes us" could calm them. So Tucker and Washington did the one thing that always worked to calm them down.

They let them sleep in bed with them.

Tucker stroked Ami's hair while Devon tucked himself into Wash's side. "I hope no one else finds us," the younger man commented. "I don't think I could leave them, even if it was to protect them."

"You wouldn't have to," Wash promised. Tucker's hand stopped moving and he looked up at his lover.

"I wouldn't leave you to fight alone," he said, his voice soft but firm. "Your my boyfriend, father of my children, and I love you too much."

"I know," Wash replied. "But there's something I wanted to talk about."

"Okay."

"I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore." Tucker's heart skipped a beat at Wash's words. "I want to be your husband."

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally two separate fics that I combined into one, which is why certain plot points may seem a bit janky. There were also a couple plot points I removed and I'm pretty glad I did, simply because I'm not sure how I would have added it in here. I hope everyone enjoys this. If you've made it this far, I want to say thank you for sticking through it to the end and I promise there's a happy ending because I can't bring myself to end it on such a low note.


End file.
